Chinese New Year is a time for reunions. During these reunions, we'd be able to meet up with schoolmates we rarely keep in touch with, some only appears once a year during these nostalgic gatherings. Since leaving school, most of us embarked on different course of life, some according to our passion, but most because of convenience.

The need to meet up with old acquaintance and gauge their progress in life suddenly flares up during Chinese New Year.

For those who've achieved more than their peers, it's a time to flaunt their status symbols (big cars, Tag Heuers, flashy namecards, sexy girlfriends, etc)

And those doing not so well as compared to their school buddies, its time to lament on the state of economy, that bastard you call boss, life's impossible circumstances that makes you stay where you are, instead of being great.


I know it feels natural to want to compare with the people you grow up with, schoolmates, or even siblings. But is the act of comparing doing you good or is it counter productive?






Why we do it?

Because scientific research has identified a gene that fuels competition among homo sapiens, in order to maintain its evolutionary advantage, so to speak.


Ok, that was just bullshit. haha..



The real reason is more because of social and cultural conditioning than genetic, it's because from young, we were trained to compare ourselves with others. There are two main culprits:

1) Our parents
Its an easy way out for our parents to compare us with our siblings. Its a way to control our behaviour. Familiar with these?:

'Why can't you be more hardworking like your sister?"
"Why can't you keep your room clean like your brother?"
"Why can't you be more organized like your brother?"


It is not the correct way to teach behavior, but our parents uses it because they think it sets a higher standard for us to aspire to. The fact is, all of us are unique, and we shouldn't be expected to act like someone else. There are other ways to motivate a child into better behaviors. Comparing them with other people, especially their siblings, does more harm to a child's self-esteem than help build it.

2) Our education system

In school, we were graded based on the same 'test system', which makes comparing easier than ever. You've got 70 marks? Nice. But if you compare it to the class average of 80 marks, you're an underachiever!! See how comparison works? We're constantly striving to achieve a set standard so rigid there can only be ONE standard for all students the same age.

It neglects the fact that all of us learn at a different pace. We are sensitive to different types of teaching methods and teaching materials, we take in information based on our preferred senses: visual , auditory , kinesthetic. Which makes us learn very differently and at different pace.





Comparing seems like a pretty bad idea so far. But is there a positive side of comparing?



Wait, just to digress a little.

When I started thinking about this, I've noticed a very common statement that I hear when someone's comparing himself/herself with others: Life's not fair!


Years later, I learned something that changed my life:

Life's not fair, use that to your advantage!

Stop for a moment and think about that statement. Its one of the most powerful belief I've acquired in the course of searching for the secrets of living a fulfilling life. You can apply it to almost any areas of life.

Once, I thought it was a disadvantage that I was born in a poor family. My dad struggled to keep us all in school and worked his ass off to give us a better life. I remember a time when we were so poor he has to borrow a motorbike from a relative to go to work. He can't afford one, but he still has to go to work to feed 4 children and a wife. We were poor, but we were happy. I always fantasizes what it would be like to be born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Well, even half a silver spoon would be nice. I thought life wasn't fair.

Since then, I have come to realize that life is what it ought to be. I would, and should not have it any other way.

Life gives you exactly the things and environment you need, to learn the lessons you need to, if you know how to recognize it.

It was only because of those experiences that I treasure my family, value the ideals of financial freedom, started to have a keen interest of how life works. Life IS not fair! Life gave me so much of advantage, I just need to recognize and take advantage of it!


You can use this if you're:

Rich
Poor
Short
Tall
Born with a disability
Unbelievably good looking
Looks like a cow
Looks like a chicken, and so on and so forth..

The truth is: Whatever situation you're in. Life has given you advantage because you have the unique experience that nobody else have. This gives you the chance to see things that the people on the other side of the fence do not see.
The next time you complain of a situation that seems unfair, think about what lessons you're given the chance to learn.


Back to the question:

To compare or not to compare?

I've spent a lot of time thinking and researching about this too.

The answer is: Yes and No.

You were kinda expecting that huh ;p

Remember my post on 'the self-belief paradox'? Everything worth knowing in life comes in a paradox.

Let me spare you the long-winded explanation and give you the nugget right away:

Treat life as a race against yourself.

Alright, do you really think I'll not indulge on a long-winded discussion? Silly you.

Life works the best if you think of it that way(I mean the statement). This statement suggest you should not always compare yourself with other, because whatever achievements of other people does not affect your life. This statement is so powerful because it solved the riddle of 'How to deal with failure/ the fear of failure' for me. I'll write about it someday.

This statement implies:

The only person you should be comparing with is yourself.

Don't treat others achievements as a yardstick of what you should achieve, because all of us has unique life experience and challenges that makes us who we are, and not the other person.

Worry about making improvements in your life today vs yesterday, tomorrow vs today rather than vs other people. This is the key to being great at anything! Making daily incremental improvements.

This is the reason why some people become great and some stays on the same forever! Some people are stuck at a particular level in life forever. Look back in your life 5 years ago, do you still think the same way, act the same way and produces the same results? Big suprise! How much have you learned during the last five years? Have you expended your knowledge, your mindset to facilitate a better you? Look at you life now. Results don't lie. Your life is your results!


So if comparing with others gives you a sense of helplessness or disappointment, do the smart thing: Stop comparing.



So when you realize life is not being fair to you when you're comparing with someone you think don't deserve the things or achievements they have, how do you take advantage of that? (Remember again: Life's not fair, use that to your advantage.)


If they are more successful, worry about what you can learn from them instead of envying them. Envy can be a very powerful and helpful emotion if you know how to use it. Use it to recognize there's something you want from that person's life, and learn how they acquired it, and what you can do to acquire it.
It seems simple to me: It's either I envy that person and resent him, or I learn from him whatever he's doing right and try to do better than him.

So when is comparing ok?
Comparing can be a tool to gauge your position in life. Comparing can open up your mind to the possibilities life has to offer. When I read or hear about stories of what people of my age can achieve, it motivates me rather than put me down. It shows me the possibilities if I do the right things and learn the right stuffs. When I hear about stories of disadvantaged people who excels in life, it strips me of all the excuses I've made up for myself for not persuing my dreams and passion.


So how are you doing in the race agianst yourself?

Life's guaranty:

From the moment you were born, you are set to face many uncertainties and challenges in life's bumpy journey. As we grow up, people around you tries to impart upon you wisdom by which to live a happy and fulfilling life, which is always assumed as a life free of problems.

But there is no such thing as a life free of problems, are there?


Imagine this: You're living the life of your dreams. You've got all the money you'll ever need. You're with the one person that's meant to be with you, your other-half/ soul mate. You have a great family. You're in a career/business that is your passion. You have all the money and freedom to do what you want, whenever you want it.
The question is, will you be free of problems?

We all know the answer to be NO. You're still faced with daily challenges of living your life. Poor people will have their financial problems. Rich people will also have their financial challenges, like how to manage their wealth, the effect on economic situations on their business/ wealth. You will also have to manage your life to find the balance of work and family. You'll be working hard to solve the puzzle of how to raise a happy and loving family.

In short, even if you're living the life of your dreams, you'll still be working your ass off solving problems, seeking solutions, looking for ways to do things better, or to avoid future problems.



In fact, successful people face more problems and frustrations than the average people. They are successful because they handle it well.


If a man could have just half of his wishes, he would double his troubles.
-Benjamin Franklin



Maybe the only way to live life free of problems is to live a life of shaved head, vegetarian in diet, up in a monastery far far away from civilization. A life of enlightenment. Maybe.
I don't know because I've never tried. If you have, please let me know.


Fact: You can't change the fact that life is riddled with problems. If you want to consult with people who have no problems in life, you won't find them high up in the mountains, in monasteries. You'd find them buried underground, in your local cemeteries. Yes, they're dead.



The purpose of problems

Problems in life are meant to serve us, if we recognize it as opportunities rather than nuisance.

I was once told: Challenges in life are there to keep those not deserving enough form getting the prize.

So in order to obtain the good things in life, we have to prove that we are worthy. And our worthiness are subjected to tests in the form of problems and frustrations. The next time you encounter problems, it means its time to prove your worthiness for the better things in life.

Also, crisis reveals character. Problems provides opportunities to understand ourselves better and make us face our inner demons. Nothing provides a better chance for us to discover our failings as problems do. It's like someone handing you the key to unlock a limiting belief/character on a silver platter. That someone is 'the problems' you encounter in life.

So why are problems such a debilitating feature in people's life?

Problems creates frustrations. The key to living a happy and fulfilling life is knowing how to handle the frustrations.



Next post: How to handle frustrations, thus getting rid of the problem of 'problems'.

Let's see how much I can write in 15 minutes.

I've not been updating this blog for too long. My readers would think I'm dead or something. I've saved a few topics so I can write when I'm free but never seems to be getting to it.

Been working hard the past few days since coming back from a year end holiday. Big meeting in 2 more days and I don't even have enough sleep! Damn, wasted 5 minutes just writing these craps instead of the topic I want to write about.

Been guilty about not doing something. Heck, guilty is such a useless emotion. I'll write about it someday. I'll do something to make up for it.

*Reminder to self - write about year end trip.



Lets see. I'm going to talk about the problem of 'problems' in life. Heavy topic, this is. One so close to everyone's heart because everyone experiences problems.


Define problem: Unplanned events that fucked up your plans/ things that annoys you(like mosquitos)/ things that caused you inconveniences, drive you up the wall, pisses you off....etc.


Bottom line: You must get to a point where you see problems as a part of life. It is a signal that let you know that either something should be done another way or you should change your perspective in a looking at a particular situation. It is nothing more than that.


What problems are NOT:

1) A punishment from god - karma, maybe...explore further on your own (Need another blog post to explain this)

2) Bad luck - there's no such thing as good or bad luck in this world. Things happens. Whether you felt good or bad about anything does not change the fact that it happened. Also, all events are meaningless. We give it meaning by our individual interpretation.

3) I've finished my quota of 15 minutes.....tune in next time for more..... ;p

Now if you feel like wanting to poke me in the eye cause this post is half finished, then it is a problem, and that makes you need to read the next part of this post. So pls come back again soon. haha.



to be continued.......