Chinese New Year is a time for reunions. During these reunions, we'd be able to meet up with schoolmates we rarely keep in touch with, some only appears once a year during these nostalgic gatherings. Since leaving school, most of us embarked on different course of life, some according to our passion, but most because of convenience.

The need to meet up with old acquaintance and gauge their progress in life suddenly flares up during Chinese New Year.

For those who've achieved more than their peers, it's a time to flaunt their status symbols (big cars, Tag Heuers, flashy namecards, sexy girlfriends, etc)

And those doing not so well as compared to their school buddies, its time to lament on the state of economy, that bastard you call boss, life's impossible circumstances that makes you stay where you are, instead of being great.


I know it feels natural to want to compare with the people you grow up with, schoolmates, or even siblings. But is the act of comparing doing you good or is it counter productive?






Why we do it?

Because scientific research has identified a gene that fuels competition among homo sapiens, in order to maintain its evolutionary advantage, so to speak.


Ok, that was just bullshit. haha..



The real reason is more because of social and cultural conditioning than genetic, it's because from young, we were trained to compare ourselves with others. There are two main culprits:

1) Our parents
Its an easy way out for our parents to compare us with our siblings. Its a way to control our behaviour. Familiar with these?:

'Why can't you be more hardworking like your sister?"
"Why can't you keep your room clean like your brother?"
"Why can't you be more organized like your brother?"


It is not the correct way to teach behavior, but our parents uses it because they think it sets a higher standard for us to aspire to. The fact is, all of us are unique, and we shouldn't be expected to act like someone else. There are other ways to motivate a child into better behaviors. Comparing them with other people, especially their siblings, does more harm to a child's self-esteem than help build it.

2) Our education system

In school, we were graded based on the same 'test system', which makes comparing easier than ever. You've got 70 marks? Nice. But if you compare it to the class average of 80 marks, you're an underachiever!! See how comparison works? We're constantly striving to achieve a set standard so rigid there can only be ONE standard for all students the same age.

It neglects the fact that all of us learn at a different pace. We are sensitive to different types of teaching methods and teaching materials, we take in information based on our preferred senses: visual , auditory , kinesthetic. Which makes us learn very differently and at different pace.





Comparing seems like a pretty bad idea so far. But is there a positive side of comparing?



Wait, just to digress a little.

When I started thinking about this, I've noticed a very common statement that I hear when someone's comparing himself/herself with others: Life's not fair!


Years later, I learned something that changed my life:

Life's not fair, use that to your advantage!

Stop for a moment and think about that statement. Its one of the most powerful belief I've acquired in the course of searching for the secrets of living a fulfilling life. You can apply it to almost any areas of life.

Once, I thought it was a disadvantage that I was born in a poor family. My dad struggled to keep us all in school and worked his ass off to give us a better life. I remember a time when we were so poor he has to borrow a motorbike from a relative to go to work. He can't afford one, but he still has to go to work to feed 4 children and a wife. We were poor, but we were happy. I always fantasizes what it would be like to be born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Well, even half a silver spoon would be nice. I thought life wasn't fair.

Since then, I have come to realize that life is what it ought to be. I would, and should not have it any other way.

Life gives you exactly the things and environment you need, to learn the lessons you need to, if you know how to recognize it.

It was only because of those experiences that I treasure my family, value the ideals of financial freedom, started to have a keen interest of how life works. Life IS not fair! Life gave me so much of advantage, I just need to recognize and take advantage of it!


You can use this if you're:

Rich
Poor
Short
Tall
Born with a disability
Unbelievably good looking
Looks like a cow
Looks like a chicken, and so on and so forth..

The truth is: Whatever situation you're in. Life has given you advantage because you have the unique experience that nobody else have. This gives you the chance to see things that the people on the other side of the fence do not see.
The next time you complain of a situation that seems unfair, think about what lessons you're given the chance to learn.


Back to the question:

To compare or not to compare?

I've spent a lot of time thinking and researching about this too.

The answer is: Yes and No.

You were kinda expecting that huh ;p

Remember my post on 'the self-belief paradox'? Everything worth knowing in life comes in a paradox.

Let me spare you the long-winded explanation and give you the nugget right away:

Treat life as a race against yourself.

Alright, do you really think I'll not indulge on a long-winded discussion? Silly you.

Life works the best if you think of it that way(I mean the statement). This statement suggest you should not always compare yourself with other, because whatever achievements of other people does not affect your life. This statement is so powerful because it solved the riddle of 'How to deal with failure/ the fear of failure' for me. I'll write about it someday.

This statement implies:

The only person you should be comparing with is yourself.

Don't treat others achievements as a yardstick of what you should achieve, because all of us has unique life experience and challenges that makes us who we are, and not the other person.

Worry about making improvements in your life today vs yesterday, tomorrow vs today rather than vs other people. This is the key to being great at anything! Making daily incremental improvements.

This is the reason why some people become great and some stays on the same forever! Some people are stuck at a particular level in life forever. Look back in your life 5 years ago, do you still think the same way, act the same way and produces the same results? Big suprise! How much have you learned during the last five years? Have you expended your knowledge, your mindset to facilitate a better you? Look at you life now. Results don't lie. Your life is your results!


So if comparing with others gives you a sense of helplessness or disappointment, do the smart thing: Stop comparing.



So when you realize life is not being fair to you when you're comparing with someone you think don't deserve the things or achievements they have, how do you take advantage of that? (Remember again: Life's not fair, use that to your advantage.)


If they are more successful, worry about what you can learn from them instead of envying them. Envy can be a very powerful and helpful emotion if you know how to use it. Use it to recognize there's something you want from that person's life, and learn how they acquired it, and what you can do to acquire it.
It seems simple to me: It's either I envy that person and resent him, or I learn from him whatever he's doing right and try to do better than him.

So when is comparing ok?
Comparing can be a tool to gauge your position in life. Comparing can open up your mind to the possibilities life has to offer. When I read or hear about stories of what people of my age can achieve, it motivates me rather than put me down. It shows me the possibilities if I do the right things and learn the right stuffs. When I hear about stories of disadvantaged people who excels in life, it strips me of all the excuses I've made up for myself for not persuing my dreams and passion.


So how are you doing in the race agianst yourself?

Life's guaranty:

From the moment you were born, you are set to face many uncertainties and challenges in life's bumpy journey. As we grow up, people around you tries to impart upon you wisdom by which to live a happy and fulfilling life, which is always assumed as a life free of problems.

But there is no such thing as a life free of problems, are there?


Imagine this: You're living the life of your dreams. You've got all the money you'll ever need. You're with the one person that's meant to be with you, your other-half/ soul mate. You have a great family. You're in a career/business that is your passion. You have all the money and freedom to do what you want, whenever you want it.
The question is, will you be free of problems?

We all know the answer to be NO. You're still faced with daily challenges of living your life. Poor people will have their financial problems. Rich people will also have their financial challenges, like how to manage their wealth, the effect on economic situations on their business/ wealth. You will also have to manage your life to find the balance of work and family. You'll be working hard to solve the puzzle of how to raise a happy and loving family.

In short, even if you're living the life of your dreams, you'll still be working your ass off solving problems, seeking solutions, looking for ways to do things better, or to avoid future problems.



In fact, successful people face more problems and frustrations than the average people. They are successful because they handle it well.


If a man could have just half of his wishes, he would double his troubles.
-Benjamin Franklin



Maybe the only way to live life free of problems is to live a life of shaved head, vegetarian in diet, up in a monastery far far away from civilization. A life of enlightenment. Maybe.
I don't know because I've never tried. If you have, please let me know.


Fact: You can't change the fact that life is riddled with problems. If you want to consult with people who have no problems in life, you won't find them high up in the mountains, in monasteries. You'd find them buried underground, in your local cemeteries. Yes, they're dead.



The purpose of problems

Problems in life are meant to serve us, if we recognize it as opportunities rather than nuisance.

I was once told: Challenges in life are there to keep those not deserving enough form getting the prize.

So in order to obtain the good things in life, we have to prove that we are worthy. And our worthiness are subjected to tests in the form of problems and frustrations. The next time you encounter problems, it means its time to prove your worthiness for the better things in life.

Also, crisis reveals character. Problems provides opportunities to understand ourselves better and make us face our inner demons. Nothing provides a better chance for us to discover our failings as problems do. It's like someone handing you the key to unlock a limiting belief/character on a silver platter. That someone is 'the problems' you encounter in life.

So why are problems such a debilitating feature in people's life?

Problems creates frustrations. The key to living a happy and fulfilling life is knowing how to handle the frustrations.



Next post: How to handle frustrations, thus getting rid of the problem of 'problems'.

It is the hardest thing to do.

I see people holding on when they shouldn't in so many areas in life.

The other day, I had a discussion with 2 friends about parenting.

Let me tell you, I'm not married. I don't have any kids. In case you're wondering.

Btw, me and the other friend who's also not married are the ones giving out parenting advice to this poor parent of two kids. Haha..

You see, my reasoning is that because I don't have any kids, that's why I'm qualified to give out parenting advice.

O_o (always wanted to type this icon ;p)

Now you must be thinking I'm drunk behind this monitor.

I don't drink and type. You shouldn't too.

But seriously, my logic is that if you're a parent, you'd already have the emotional burden of a parent. Sometimes, you need a different perspective.

So parents, sit your ass down and get ready to receive some sagely wisdom from mua.

What I'm talking about is parents being overprotective. You should learn the ability to let your children decide even when you don't totally agree with them. The ability to let your child experience life and make mistakes on their own. Now I'm going to skip the discussion of what age should your children be when you should do that, cause that will take like, forever. Just exactly how much control should they have on important decisions at what age? I found a workable formula at this blog though.




Think about this:

Do you follow your kids everywhere including their schools field trips? (I know of some who follows their children secretly!). I feel I can't blame them for this one cause of the current safety concerns. I don't feel safe myself. I also know someone who will be with their kids the whole time during their teakwondo lessons, to watch over them, scared they'll get hurt.

Do you also stick to your kids like a piece of plaster when they go to the:

a) Playground
b) Sports lessons
c) Extra curriculum activities.




What's more important?

The greatest skill your child can develop is the ability to make good decisions. If you decide everything for your child, you stunt their growth in decision making. However immature or inexperienced you think they are, you need to include them when deciding things concerning them.

Also, your child needs to learn to cope with emotional setbacks. You can't do this for them, and you can't protect them from it forever. They need to learn to handle the emotional aspect of everyday problems themselves. The earlier you start them on the journey of emotional mastery, the better set they are for life and it's challenges.



Why it's bad.

Overprotective parents are producing a generation of wimps. Kids that do not even have skinned knees are missing out a lot on physical bonding that our generation went through. There are dire consequences of holding on to your kids, trying to steer them from harms way. They should be doing that themselves. The trick is to educate and prepare them, NOT preventing them from making mistakes, because mistakes WILL BE MADE ANYWAY. How you prepare your child to handle problems when they messed up is the important thing.

Things can be worse. Psychologists reports that overprotective parents causes anxiety disorders later in adulthood. How? Scared or not?



Really meh? All parents that bad meh?

I hope you realize I'm overgeneralizing here. Of course there are great parents that understand the means of motivating and protecting a child without being too controlling. Salute to all those great individuals, and hope I can be one of them in the future.

But if you're still using the excuse of : "You don't understand lah, you don't have kids. Once you have your own kids, you'll also want to protect them like that la", I just want to say:

Just because I've not died before, doesn't mean I don't know dying is very painful one, ok.

According to scientific research, happier people follows these two advice:

1) Believe in yourself.

2) Don't believe in yourself too much.

That's the thing about life. It's complicated.

"Everything worth knowing in life comes in a paradox."
- unknown

The wise will tell you that life is about searching for balance. Everything you think is important in life has two sides. You can't just take care of one side and forget the other. In other words, you can't be too extreme and be at only one end of the spectrum. The other end is important too. Consider this other quote:

"The opposite of a profound truth is often another profound truth"
- unknown

Your head is probably throbbing by now. I can be really abstract sometimes. But abstract ideas can only be explained in abstract ways. Or maybe that's the only way I know of explaining things ;P

To make things simpler, let's look at an example.

The question of self-belief is probably the most important element pertaining to the success of a person. Simply, you need to believe in yourself and your abilities to be able to function at an exceptional level that people will consider you a success. People with intact self-belief or high self-esteem are generally able to achieve more in life simply because they take more action. Their self-belief provides a basis for a more positive outlook in life and therefore motivates them to do more.

By now, you should realize that self-belief is without doubt an important arsenal to have in the pursue of success in life. So you should have absolute self-belief. Actually, only in certain context.

Just how important are self-beliefs? It makes or breaks you. It defines your life. You should have absolute self-beliefs in these areas:



1) Your self worth.

You are here for a reason. You should know by now you're not some kind of alien experiment or you're not a byproduct (or side effect) of your parent's naughtiness :p
Your self worth is the single most important thing that shapes your life. You must understand that for the single reason that you're born into this earth, your life is worth living, you are a worthy human being, regardless of your current achievement and past experiences.

You're not an accident, the events that have to take place for you to be born is almost impossible. Consider the long line of ancestors that dates back to the beginning of life itself. Each one of your ancestor will have to meet and mate successfully.

That means there are probably hundreds of thousands of people that have to mate with an exact person and not anyone else to be able to lead to the production of you! Of the millions of sperms that was out there, that single sperm that carries half your genetic material have to be the first to reach and fertilize the particular egg that carries the other half to successfully bring you to life. You think that's coincidence?

Believe it!! You're a miracle!

So whatever you encounter in life, you should never doubt your own worthiness. You should love yourself unconditionally. Only then can you love others the same way.



2) Your ability to lead a happy life.


Let's face it, life's tough. You will meet with all sorts of challenges but there is no doubt that if you make an effort and are willing to learn, you will be able to live your life happily. If you're constantly not happy with your life's circumstances or your own achievement in life, you're being too tough on yourself!

If you've changed everything that need to be changed and are still not happy, change your perspective.

This is life's guaranty: There will be difficult times. There will be times so tough you'd wished you've not come out of the womb. Life is about choices that you make, and happiness, like everything else, IS A CHOICE. You can choose to be happy. No matter what. No one can take that decision from you.

Make the most of what you have. This is the best advice anyone can give you about being happy: Be Happy!


End of part one.

Stay tuned for the next part: Don't believe in yourself too much.

This may be the best advice you can get in the area of self development. I'm not kidding.

I'm telling you this because that's what I just did.

Let me get this straight: I'm not teaching you to be a rebel. You're doing fine the way you are already, I know you are. Anyway, I'm way past that 'rebellious age' when everything my parents say seems like the worst advice in the world, where everything seems like just tricks to exert control over me. We're all born good rebels.

What I mean is don't listen to your parents all the time. I assume you have a fair judgment on when your parents are giving REALLY good advice, like we they tell you don't jump in front of that on coming truck. Other than that, it's really up to you, because it's your god damn life, and as long as you're willing and are mature enough to take responsibility for whatever happens, you're entitled to act on your own free will.

Come to think of it, it's ok even if you don't listen to them when they tell you you'll die if you're hit by that truck. You should do it anyway, if you want, cause it's really YOUR god damn life. I'm not the one who goes to hell as a consequence of that. So go ahead. Yes, you just realized it, didn't you? Don't listen to anyone, NOT EVEN ME. Actually, ESPECIALLY me.

Our parents can really become the greatest source of encouragement and motivation for us or the greatest obstacle, can't they? You see, your parents will always try to 'protect' you. They will try to show you the best course of living your life based on their experience. It's all good, if you want to life a life exactly like theirs.

I personally believe we can be so much more than our parents. I'm not being arrogant or disrespectful. I'd like to think that I'm a filial son. A lot of people say I am ;P

The thing is, however successful your parents are, you can always strive to do better. You can take whatever great life experiences of your parents and learn from it. You can also learn from all their mistakes, and then you can learn to do better than them. Our parents are our greatest teacher. They are willing to teach and most of the time WILL FORCE YOU TO LEARN FROM THEM.

You know they do it for your own good (in their opinion). But what they think is good is not always the best for you, right. They have their limiting beliefs. What you should do is identify what those are and be able to make your own decisions.

In conclusion:

1) Identify some of your parents limiting beliefs that prevents them from achieving much more than they should have. (Yes, even people like Lim Goh Tong has them, I believe, and Lim Kok Thay should know them, to be more successful than his dad.)

2) You don't have to start a shouting match to make your point. Well, nothing wrong with that if the occasion calls for it, but there are always more positive ways to get your point across.

I believe standing up to your parents is not really an issue to a lot of you reading this. Especially the younger generation nowadays. I guess the trick is to do it in a way that do not drive them up the wall and yet, you get your way. Yes, it is possible. If you can't seem be able to do it yet, it means you have much much more to learn. Actually, don't we all?

Have you watched the winning videos of YouTube Video Awards 2007 yet? It's kinda like the Oscars for YouTube.

Apparently, it's a biggie to a lot of people. Even CNN mentioned the awards. YouTube has really become so much more influential than we care to admit. I mean, if you think about how often people upload videos to YouTube, coupled with how easy it is to record a video clip on your handphone nowadays, you get a little scared. I know I do.



It makes you feel like you're under surveillance almost 100% of the time once you're out of the house.
It means that everything you do or say has a possibility of being recorded by someone who owns a camera phone, which is practically everyone! So be mindful of the stupid things you say or do when you're in public places lest it becomes entertainment for millions of people one day.

Of course, this doesn't stop people from acting crazy in public (unfortunately). But I've always wondered just how much it will affect you in how you carry yourself in public? Do you notice that sometimes, when there is a car accident, there will be scores of handphones pointing towards the scene to capture or record whatever it is so interesting about the accident. Some to get the car number involved for TOTO or Magnum maybe ;P

What do you think? Do you think about this when you're about to engage in an argument with someone on your way to work on the subway?




Anyway, one particular YouTube award winning video caught my attention. It's titled "Stop the clash of civilization".



The political situation in the our country is not so different from everywhere else in the world or even on a global scale, where race and religion takes center stage in the clash of idealism and the way different people think the world should be run. It's funny when you consider that wars are fought just because we think differently. I mean, aren't we supposed to be different? What starts wars is when one party feel the need to impose their opinion on how things should be to another group of people, who normally are in a situation and context very different from the initial party. Opinions can be a powerful thing.

One particular experience struck my mind on this issue. On Christmas last year, I was stuck in Dubai Airport for a 10 hours transit to come back to Malaysia from an oversea trip. Spending 10 hours in Dubai airport is a unique experience.

Just walking around the airport, I'm surrounded by so many people of so diverse origins. The thing is I don't really feel any different from these people. Really, when you look past the face, color of the skin, even with different religious and cultural background, you can see that we don't act and behave that differently. We all can be courteous to each other (most of the time, anyway). We have the same basic needs, we can learn pretty much to behave the same way like most other people do. All men go in the loo with the "male" sign and we pee standing up, next to each other. We're like the most adaptable beings on earth, and yet sometimes we find it hard to live with each other. I mean, we can learn so complicated a maneuver as peeing at the right place, the correct position and with correct manners and hygienic habit to wash our hands (most of us, anyway) afterwards, yet we feel the need to bomb each other into pieces occasionally.

Just when will we realize that despite having different opinions, we're not so different from each other. Sometimes, it made me think that we're born with an innate need to argue and be in conflict.